"Scene" Aftercare - Part 2

Aftercare that is incorrect and to watch out for – what it isn’t: Aftercare as a non-negotiated grope session is not respectful unless its welcomed by your partner. Be wary of any insincere tickler top who may attempt to sneak in more intimacy as an independent scene on its own, un-negotiated, and on the sly. If your partner wants it - great - but feel up sessions are not likely to be welcome by someone you don’t know well. If you are being showered with more aftercare intimacies than you are comfortable with, speak up. Say something like "Excuse me…just holding me is fine. I don’t like being touched like that." Likewise, on the spot solicitations for future play commitments while your partner is still floating may also nudge into the over-friendly category. Remember, aftercare is closing ritual and not the best time to negotiate future commitments.

There is nothing wrong with expressing interest in future play, especially if the scene’s gone well and interest is mutual. But the tickle top’s job during aftercare is to tend to the bottom’s immediate needs. To use the intimate closure of aftercare to push for a future date may put your partner in an awkward spot. Maybe they want to, maybe not, maybe they want to wait and see.

In a scene where something goes unexpectedly, such as a safe word, or an unexpected and unwelcome interruption, do not blame or rationalize - just deal with whatever the problems might be. If both partners want the scene to continue, try, and proceed with extra caution. If continuation is impossible, be strong, try to make sure your partner is okay and be as supportive as you can be. And then go into aftercare.

Delayed Reaction Crash: Sometimes a scene will seem to have gone fine, the aftercare uneventful, and then while your making popcorn your partner will suddenly break down. A rapid descent into depression can come like a bolt from the blue. Do not panic. This can just occur. Put down what you’re doing, and begin your aftercare again. Intense erotic play can dig deep into our subconscious, especially when it has gone really well, or really badly. A strong scene can jar things loose that have been lurking out of site for years. Again, there is no standard approach on how to handle situations like these, other than to try to keep your head, and be there for your partner.

Self Aftercare; if sadly, you don’t get it from your partner: At some point you will undoubtedly encounter the sour experience of piss poor aftercare, which fails to provide what you want or need, and you will be on your own. That’s okay. It happens. You’ll survive. Even if you have to coax your partner into providing some aftercare that you need. Some bad aftercare is done because the top doesn’t know how or doesn’t know that its important.

If that doesn’t work there are still things you can do. Get some water or a juice drink. Eat something. A friend suggests taking a few minutes to shut your eyes, focus, and wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a long bear hug. If it’s a party situation, get a long hug from someone you like or trust , "Could you help me out with hug and a little aftercare? I’m a little short right now."

If you’re alone, call or visit a friend. Lay it on the line and say you feel bad, and if you think it will do any good, give your scene partner a call. Rest might work. Do something positive, and unrelated to the “scene” or fetish thought altogether. Pamper yourself well - do all the pampering you’re supposed to do when your feeling poorly or just fragile and tired: sleep, eat something healthy, talk to a friend, have a good cry, and go to bed early.

Depending on how intense the scene was, there may be feelings of endorphin “hangover”, bottom-drop, and "crash": Several days after a good intense scene, a bottom may plunge into unaccountable remorse or depression. If this happens, don’t panic. This can also result from a physiological response to endorphin production in the body. Really good scenes flood the body with natural neuro chemicals like seratonin, dopamine and endorphins. They stay active for days producing that euphoria some lucky bottoms know well. But after two or three days they metabolize and their euphoric effects vanish. For some, this is a painful and depressing experience. What do you do? Remind yourself that it’s a physical condition and that it will pass. Getting in touch with your scene partner isn’t a bad idea.

Morning-after Aftercare: Before your partner leaves get a phone number or email so you can contact them in a day or so. For tops, endorphin hangover, bottom-drop, and "crash" are a factor you must plan on. So the day after play, or especially the day after the day after it’s good form to follow up. A phone call, an email, a personal note, or a visit is always a good idea, to express friendship, gratitude, and show concern for how they’re mending. It will reassure the bottom and are really responsible and mature actions to take. If it turns out that there are questions or concerns, you will have an opportunity to address them. If they are experiencing crash you can help talk them through it, explain it, and let them know not to worry.

A good plan is for the bottom write about the feelings taking place. It connects both of you and to the scene through contemplation. This can be a good time to talk about insights into how the scene went, what worked, what didn’t, where the surprises were. If your partner does have issues or concerns about that scene or even future play, listen and offer your own thoughts as well. You both can create greater play by discussing and learning from what’s already taken place.

Top drop and its treatment (aftercare for tops): Although aftercare is typically viewed as something the top does for the bottom, tops are people too, and often yearn for affection, gratitude and nurturing. Sometimes, when the heat of the scene has passed, a top can find him or herself feeling exhausted and exposed. This is the phenomenon some call “top-drop”. So, bottoms: please do remember to express gratitude and respect for your tickler top who has spent time with you. If you can find something nice to say about what you’ve just been through it is very worthwhile, and it will be appreciated. Holding/cuddling is nice if the interpersonal chemistry is right. If it’s your style, offering to be hugged, can be very moving. Your tickler may well want more than anything else to take care of you, so if you’re cool with that, allow yourself to be nurtured. If you don’t want a lot of touching and hugging, convey it as nicely as you can.

Tops may need to remember about self-aftercare also, just to be on the safe side. You may be with a bottom that does not see you as needing nurturing or care. This is why it’s always nice to extend a compliment to other players after a you’ve witnessed a good play scene they were involved in. You may be the only top aftercare they get as well.

Aftercare for the viewing audience: Not that we recommend playing to the crowd, but your viewing audience usually appreciates a little reassurance that all is well, particularly if a scene was very intense. Some, especially newcomers may worry that the scene was too much for the bottom. When both players in a scene rise up together and smile, it indicates a scene that really “worked”. You may also want to let the “scene monitors” know ahead of time if you’re planning an intense scene.

Recommendations:

* Learn what you like and what you need in terms of aftercare. Pay similar attention to the needs of your partners.

* Include discussion of aftercare in your pre-scene negotiation: what you need, what you like, how much, who from.

* Prepare and maintain an aftercare kit: water, fruit juice or V-8, snacks, and whatever else makes you feel “right”.

* Budget your time to make room for aftercare as a part of the whole timeframe of your scene.

* Prepare to move from the more polarized roles of play (top/bottom) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect.

* Without interrupting the mood of the scene, free the bottom from any restraints, take a bathroom break, get some drinks or food.

* Responding to any physical or emotional needs the bottom may have.

* Attend to the mechanical aspects of aftercare with a similar focus and reverence to the actual play.

* Touch, hold, cuddle, and talk, together. Express satisfaction, or at least gratitude, after a scene.

* Deal carefully with a broken scene, try to take care of whatever fences that need mending.

* Bottoms, remember to do your part in providing aftercare for your top.

* Next day/week follow-up (to anticipate and deal with endorphin hangover): a phone call, an email, a personal note or a visit is always a good idea, to express friendship and reassurance, gratitude, concern for how they’re mending.

* Make affirmative truth your goal. Don’t lie, but express genuine gratitude for what you’ve shared.

* And lastly: always be ready to change approaches if your aftercare doesn’t feel like its working.

This short overview is not meant to be a textbook on ’how to do it’. Each of us must explore all this on our own.

Hopefully we’ve presented something useful about aftercare, why its important, and what the costs are for doing it wrong. Lastly, explore it and revel in its languid joys. Aftercare, both receiving and giving, really is one of the lovelier parts of the erotic art of fetish “play” and tickling.